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I don’t think I’ve ever spent so many hours on one couch, with one person. Two successful naps, a tv on mute all day, with rap playing in the background and it ending with adderall, a huge McDonald’s meal and getting to watch Jimmy rap the entire way to my house. I don’t think I’ve been this happy in a while.

Critics say I’m illiterate because I barely speak the words that float through my brain, self taught without a mother of her right brain. I grew up in a struggle, drugs were always the trouble. Men came and go, but none ever stayed. I watched my mom crumble and that’s when I made my own fame. drugs and words, and the world’s I create. I have never let fate control my future, it’s mine not hers so I’ll continue my fight until I find the light. The light I left when I decided to fight my inner demons that won, I’ll keep walking my path until I catch a break. Blurred faces, blurred places is all I’ve ever known. I’ll make it to the clearing and declare it a life of my own. This is my destiny that a write as I go, No one can stop me, karma can bite me. I’ll live until I fight this addiction of self release, I just want to be loved and put to peace. One day, I say. I’ll make it to that place.

Dre Beats, Speed through my day, blurring my vision with this weed. My life is a mess that finds itself singing a song of happiness on days like this. Leave me to my bass, my girls, and my euphoria.

Here I go again. Bubbles forming in my body, popping off like they’re trying to escape. I feel the fat melting off of my bones and hear the white noise through my ear. I worry about Amber. I’ve been balling my eyes out and continuously thinking about things I’ll never know. I am questioning life in itself, life as a whole. I wish my body would quit. My mind is so tired, my body still going, I haven’t moved in hours except to throw up. There’s no food there, only my ulcers protest. I wish I could take a Xanax and sleep, but my body tolerates it, turns it into a sick mind game of every bad memory. Everything beautiful has it’s end, this is it’s end.

Why am I lying to myself? You’ll always hold a part of me.

Seriously jamming to my “Get nasty” playlist. So perfect. Asap, Gucci, Waka, The Unrealeased OF mixtape, Killa Kyleon, Curren$y. 

I don’t want to give up, but it seems like you already have.

I saw you across the room, and I knew.

Our song just came on, Blayne. I don’t think people realize how much I miss you. I wish I could have taken the car keys that night. I with I was the one who drank too much and crashed. You had such life behind your eyes. You brought life to my dull irises. You were the beauty in my life. I haven’t drawn since you died. I changed my college plans. You were my best friend, my lover. You were my goodnight kisses. You were the charismatic kid who I met at the mall running from cops. You swore you’d be the first to get me high, and you wouldn’t take No for an answer. You left scars on my body. You beat the shit out of me in my basement, cause I dared you to try. You held my heart in your boney hand. You held my spirit in your withered heart. Now that you’re gone, I’ve changed. I can’t accept your death. I will always love you, Blayne. You were the beautiful part of that dull town. Lake of the Ozarks will never be the same, I will never feel the same. You were my best friend, my lover, and my motivation. I’m surviving without you, just know it’s hard. Love, Breezy.

p.s. I always hated it when you called me that.

My cat escaped. I’m too fucked up to search. I’m going to hope that I wake up to an empty house and have time to search. Goodnight. I went to far tonight. One to many everything. Night.